Matthew 18:15-17 “Tell HIm His Fault”

I told another pastor that I was preaching from Matthew 18 this Sunday. His response was to ask what the conflict was in my church that I was addressing. I had to laugh. Then, I thought some more about that question. You know, it is human nature to have conflict between people. WE are all imperfect and make mistakes. We all sin. James 3:2 puts it nicely that we all stubble along in life.

Does this make you wonder what the conflict was with the disciples who were listening to Christ in that moment? I will have to say that there really was not any great conflict among the disciples as long as Jesus was with them. There were some minor disagreements, but no profound conflict. However, there would be great conflict after the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. For instance, we know that John and Peter go their different ways. If you want a good understanding of all the conflicts post-Easter, then please read the Book of Acts. It seems that Jesus was preparing his followers for what would come long in the future. They would be in conflict and would hopefully remember these words.

You know, one of my professors at Fuller Seminary, Dr. David Augsburger, once said in class that when your church or your personal life is in great conflict that that is NOT the time to talk about conflict resolution theories or what Jesus told his disciples in Matthew 18. Conflict resolution techniques must be taught long before any conflict arises. One reason for this is that in the middle of a conflict neither side really is going to listen to you. The other reason is that some conflict resolution techniques can be used as weapons in a conflict. The temptation to do this is too great. So, it is a good thing to learn about conflict resolution well before a time of conflict arises. Amen to that.

Okay, let us look at the four steps of conflict resolution: What? You only see three? We will get to that soon enough. The Bible tells us that as far as it is possible, we should be at peace with one another. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” In fact this whole section from verse 14-21 is great help to avoid conflict with others. Verse 21 is especially helpful, “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” Yes, live at peace. Overcome evil. Yet, sometimes conflicts are unavoidable. And, avoidance of conflict usually means that it is merely delayed and oftentimes avoidance means that the cause of the conflict festers.

Step one when conflicts do find us according to our Scripture for today is that we must go to our brother or sister with whom we are in conflict and confront them in private.

I have to point out that in modern conflict resolution mode, the first step is to “separate the belligerents." If the police come to your door because your neighbor has phoned in a domestic abuse issue about you, the first thing the officers do is take one of the people in the conflict outside to cool off. Jesus does not do that. Just the opposite is commanded. “Go to the person who has sinned against you.”

The concept of sin is important because the Greek word here literally means a separation. The word is “harmatia.” Therefore the command is that if you are separated from your brother or sister, go to them.

I know that that is the last person you want to see again! However, the Bible is clear that we must go to that person alone and make our peace with him or her. We do this to do as Jesus says in that we must “REGAIN” that brother or sister. That is the specific goal. We must fix the brokenness and claim that person as a brother or sister again.

The temptation is to go to that person and shoot them down verbally with both barrels. And, I have heard people tell me that they were just trying to follow Matthew 18 when they went to the other person to “let them have it.” No, we must go to that other person with the peace of Christ in our hearts to regain them to us as family of Christ once more.

Moving on, Step Two is only taken then when Step One does not regain that person to you as a brother or sister. Step Two is simply to take the conflict to two or three trusted elders who can help the other person listen to what is right for the good of all.

This makes great sense. Often times when we are in conflict, we tend to stop listening to the person with whom we are in conflict. WE tend to tune them out. However, if a third party comes and is well trusted and respected by both, then some true listening can take place.

Again, we must be careful not to “triangulate” the conflict. It is too easy to seek someone out who will come into the situation with a bias towards yourself. This is not what Jesus is suggesting. Jesus is not telling us to go out and find a couple of people to gang up on the other person. The aim is once again to regain that person, not overpower them by sheer numbers in an argument.

If you do not choose these trusted elders properly, the result may be that those whom you have brought in to help settle the conflict will instead become embroiled in the argument themselves. I have seen this happen mostly with young married couples who are in conflict with one another and take their side of the argument back to their extended families. In no time a simple and small conflict that could be settled easily turns into generational warfare like the Hatfields and McCoys. Nobody can even recall what the original conflict was about. All they know is that they are in conflict!

In churches and other organizations this Second Step is often times misconstrued to mean that one should take the conflict to the governing council. THAT is not what Jesus is recommending here. Jesus is not suggesting in any way to expand the conflict. He is offering a way to reopen lines of communication between individuals so that one cannot be regained to the body of Christ as a brother or sister.

Now the Third Step according to Jesus is only to be taken when the first two steps fail to win that person back. Remember that the hope is always to REGAIN that person. So, your thoughts should always be on the idea of how to help that other person. Yet, in Step Three we see something that seems almost the opposite. Jesus says that we are to take the matter to the church as a whole. If the person does not want to listen to the larger group, then they are to be banned from the church.

It seems that if you have tried diligently to win that person back, but they will not listen, then the last option is to accept that they will not listen—but rather than continue to live both lives in conflict, release both by asking the other to leave the body. Now we get to the separation of belligerents–not the first step but the third.

Again, in marriage sometimes we are faced with the very question of whether it is better to continue to live in conflict or by divorcing giving the husband and wife a chance at happiness that would not exist if they stayed together as a couple. I think Jesus is saying this in his Step Three. Jesus does not support divorce. That is clear from his statements elsewhere in scripture. However, one way to stop a conflict is simply to separate the belligerents.

Please also note that Jesus says: “Take the matter to the church.” Jesus does not say take the matter to Judge Judy or the People’s Court. We Christians are not supposed to be dragging each other to court. 1 Corinthians 6:1-8 tells us most specifically that we are not to take our personal conflicts with other Christians to court. I know that this is hard to believe today when we call ourselves a Christian nation yet are the most litigious society on earth!

Step Four in Jesus’ instructions for conflict is again focused primarily on regaining that person to Christ as a brother or sister. Peter comes up to Jesus and asks how many times he must forgive his brother. He asks if seven times is sufficient. Jesus responds that seventy times seven might do well! In other words, we should not stop forgiving others.

Turn this around for a moment: Is it not a wonderful thing to consider that in church you are always being forgiven. It is a constant. Jesus on the Cross forgave the world of all it sins. Here Jesus is telling us to follow in his example. There is nothing more Christ-like than a forgiving heart.

The purpose of this again is to REGAIN ourselves and our brothers and sisters to the purposes of Christ in this world. Even through the deepest conflicts and even separations, we hold to the hope of the forgiveness through Christ.

Last week I mentioned how these commands from God that we are studying come in pairs. So, here we are again. “Go to your brother or sister and tell of the fault. Thereafter forgive that fault. Those are the commands that belong together.

Amen